Heavy

My big brother Tom and me at my wedding in 2006.

I know I promised y'all some fun fall posts, but I need to share something a little heavier today. This post has really been a long time coming.  I've started to write it a hundred times, but just never felt like the time was right.  I've mentioned before in passing that my brother passed away but I've never really talked about it here before.  This really probably needs to be two separate posts (or maybe even more): one about what happened to him and at least one about how I feel about it, but for now, I'm going to focus on the more pressing issue and that is: why it happened.


Two years ago, on Christmas Day, my older brother Tom died.  He was 31 years old.  He was a graduate summa cum laude and phi beta kappa from Trinity University.  He was a many time marathon runner, iron man triathlete, and he had recently qualified for and was scheduled to run the Boston Marathon.  He was, most of all, a beloved uncle, brother, and son.  Then, on Christmas Day, he took his own life. 


The moment I found out that my brother had died was an absolutely defining moment in my life.  I lost a vital part of myself.  To say it devastated me and my entire family is a gross understatement.  I will spare you all the details but the events of his death left some members of my family in treatment for post traumatic stress.




Tom and me at almost the exact same ages as Phillip and Natalie.

Growing up, Tom and I were as close as a brother and sister could be. I  spaced Phillip and Natalie's ages with that closeness in mind.  Huge parts of my life were experienced only by the two of us.  His death would have left a gaping hole in my life under any circumstances, but his sudden shocking end was especially devastating.  But, as I said before, I'm not writing this post to say woe is me or even to really share how his death has affected my life.  I want to talk about depression.

At Disney World - 5 and 7.

I've never been depressed.  Not truly.  Not the way he was.  And I really didn't understand it.  At its height, his depression made me too sad, and uncomfortable, and even angry to be around him.  I carry around a lot of guilt and feelings of "what if??"  But the fact remains that people who are depressed do a pretty good job at hiding their issues and not expressing the true extent of their depression.  I think a lot of that has to do with how society views it.  This TED Talk by Kevin Breel has really helped me understand a lot better what it feels like to be a depressed person and also shed a lot of light on the huge problem that it really is.  He reminds me so much of Tom.  I hope you'll take the time to watch it.

If you know someone with depression, please let them know that you understand and you're there for them.  If you know someone who is or who you think may be suicidal, force them to get help.  I have several posts with tons of searches on Google and pins on Pinterest and I have no doubt that this will never be among them, but it was too important not to write.

Finally, if you are here and still reading, my family and I will be participating in a walk to raise awareness and understanding for and to prevent suicide.  If you'd like to donate, it would mean the world to me, and if you are interested in participating there are Out of the Darkness walks all across the country.