Thursday Thoughts

This has just been such a crazy week y'all, mostly due to the fact that I spent the last two days with a non-stop headache. I'm so thankful that I'm feeling normal again today! Also, Phillip officially made the move into his new room. I still have some finishing touches like art work and styling the book shelves, but the main parts are in place and he loves it!!

Natalie has been doing so much better lately!  The last week she has been eating well and sleeping well and just been such a joyful little girl.  I think her new medicine must really be helping.  She is also sitting in the highchair at dinner now and having so much fun.  I'm not sure how much food actually makes it into her tummy but she's loving it!  So far, broccoli has been her fave :)

I'll be back tomorrow with Fashion Friday and some OOTD's, but I have to be honest, I've been in a weird style rut lately.  The weather says spring but it's February and I really still want to be wearing my winter stuff! Case in point, I really wanted to wear a sweater today that I've only gotten to wear once this winter, so I paired it with neon shorts, ha!  I guess I may just have to take this as a sign it's time to start shopping for spring :)

Thursday Thoughts: I'm Lucky

Brian and I just got the kids in bed and had the most random but great time sitting on the couch and chatting together. It reminded me of our DINK days! 

This is was an amazing icecream cake (gluten free) from Walmart - $15 - go buy one. Now.

We just sat there chatting and reflected on how far we've come in our ten plus years together.  Not that I'm a marriage expert by any means, but I think one reason that we've been so happy together is that we've learned to grow and change with each other.  

No person goes through life remaining exactly the same.  I know I've certainly changed quite a bit in how I act and think and in my life goals from the girl I was at 19.  But we love and support each other as we change.  

I don't think I say it often enough because I'm too busy talking about how cute our kids are, but I am so lucky.  I'm married to my best friend, the person I want to talk to about everything.  He's so generous, selfless... the best father I've ever seen.  I definitely got the better end of the deal.

See? Even at our wedding, I was hogging the cake!

I just thought you all should know, since I don't talk about him enough... he's my rock and the backbone of this family.

 

Thursday Thoughts: Failing

I had a much more fun post planned for today, a review, but my heart just wasn't in it so it will have to wait until next week. I'm normally a pretty upbeat person, I think. Accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative, and all of that. But I just can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. 

It's just not okay.

I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm a failure at something where failure is simply not an option.

I feel like I'm failing my daughter.

I've written before about Natalie's struggle with reflux here and here.  It's the same old thing I guess, except this week we went to the doctor for her six month check up and she's LOST WEIGHT.

As it is, I literally can never leave her for more than two hours (she flatly refuses to drink from a bottle), but she's back to being extremely high maintenance about how she is fed.  She hates any kind of noise and she generally won't nurse away from home.  Phillip loves to spend time with me and loves for me to play with him. ALL. THE. TIME.

Don't get me wrong I love that he thinks I'm fun and I love that we have that kind of relationship.  But Natalie will not eat with him in the room, much less with him talking.  I have to shut two doors between us to feed her and I can still hear him calling my name :(

I don't know what else to do though.

I feel like I'm so busy meeting Natalie's overwhelming basic needs, I don't have time or energy left to be sweet and fun and loving with her.  I know she will live and I will too.  And I know that so many people have to deal with much worse, but I just can't help it.  I feel like I'm at my breaking point.

I don't want to spend the next six months or the next year waking up each day praying just to get through the day without crying or wanting to throw something.  It doesn't help that I haven't had a full night's sleep in 6 months.

It struck me today while I was holding Natalie and she was crying and I was crying, that this is how child abuse happens.  Of course I feel awful that she is sad and in pain, but after enough time and futile effort at helping her, I just want to MAKE. THE. CRYING. STOP. NOW.

That's awful that I just said that, but I can see how a parent just a little more exhausted and with less help and support than I have could do something just to make it stop.

That's it.  That's all. I just needed to get it off my chest.  The littles are napping and while they sleep I'm going to pull myself together and get through the day.  They need me to be stronger than this.  I just can't fail at something this important.

 

Thursday Thoughts

I woke up in such a funk this morning. Does that ever happen to you? I just get like that every once in a while and I have no idea why. Usually I like to try to blame it on hormones, but I really don't think that's at play here. I was so short with Brian and impatient with the children. Thank goodness Phillip managed to be funny at just the right moment and we both started laughing. I managed to snap out of it.

In other news, I'm so jealous of all you ladies out there starting the new year off right "eating clean."  I'm seriously impressed.  I pretty much can't even think about dieting without instantly craving every carb in sight and gaining 5 pounds.  Sadly, I really wish I could because I'd really like to do something about this bit of jiggle on my stomach.  I do work out, but I'm pretty sure that a layer of fat can only be taken care of by losing weight :(

Enjoying a mid-morning moose munch crunch snack... motherhood at its best. #perhapsthisiswhyicantlosethepooch

Enough of the pity party!!  I finally finished the amazing book I was reading: Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order & Joy.  The book is sort of a compilation of essays by different mothers, some of whom are my favorite mom bloggers such as Sarah who blogs over at Memories on Clover Lane and Shawni who blogs at 71 Toes.  These are the mothers that I aspire to be and its wonderful to not only hear that they've struggled with the same things that I (and I'm sure most other mothers) have and also how they've dealt with them.  I've actually found myself highlighting and rereading portions, which says a lot... I just don't do that sort of thing when I read.  I know I'll be going back to this book time and again and I plan to give it to every new mother I know.

I'll be back tomorrow with some OOTD's and some home "fashion."  For now, I'm off to get a shower, hooray!

Thursday Thoughts: Home Projects and Deliberate Motherhood

The birthday is over and it was a wonderful day. It was pretty much your average day, with the exception of dinner out, but I have a pretty great life so no complaints! Funny enough though, Natalie seemed to sense when my birthday was over. No more special treatment Mommy! At exactly one in the morning she woke up ready to play and wouldn't go back to sleep for an hour and a half. Needless to say, we are both a little sleepy and cranky today.

I have some really high hopes for house projects this year. Brian has some ambitious home improvement in the works and I would like to do some things as well. Inspired by one of mu favorite blogs, Designer Bags and Dirty Diapers, I'm going to try to keep it reasonable and doable and pick one project a month to complete. I've only planned through June, but the current plan is as follows:

January: clean out and organize all bedroom closets- I'm already started on mine!
February: complete the kiddo room switch
March: fix up the yard, plant new flowers in beds
April: clean out and reorganize kitchen and dining room hutch
May: frame and hang new family pictures
June: deep clean house


I still haven't finished the amazing book I was telling y'all about, but I can already say it is a must read if you're a mom. It's incredibly inspirational and full of practical advice for pushing yourself to become a better mother and finding more peace as a mother.

I WILL finish reading it this weekend and share more thoughts. For now, I must get to bed because I am exhausted. Can't wait to share my latest fashion finds tomorrow though! I leave you all with two cute/hilarious pictures of our day:

Thursday Thoughts: To Do Lists

Whew ok, so I have five minutes to sit and breathe finally. I apologize in advance for the randomness of this post, but I have a lot on my mind today.

I just spent 15 minutes rocking this little guy to sleep. I'm thankful he still likes me to do that every once in a while.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions right now and my mental to do list is a mile long. At the end of the day though, I'm trying to remember that my real to do list consists of three things: feed, love, and teach my little ones. Everything and anything else is gravy.

I thought I'd share a poem that I absolutely love and totally sums up the season of life I'm in right now.

Song for a Fifth Child
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton


Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.


I really want to slow down and treasure these times with my babies because they're everything to me. Life is too short to spend working or cleaning or doing anything that takes time away from those you love.

One year ago today was the last time I saw my brother alive. I'm still filled with so much regret when I think of wasted time and self-absorption that kept me from getting to spend more time with him. I still catch myself forgetting sometimes that he's not here. It's only a moment where I think "I wonder what Tom will be bringing to the party?" Or "Tom would think this is hilarious! I have to tell him about this!" It only lasts for a second and then I'm filled with such sadness it takes my breath away.

The last time I saw him didn't feel like the last time. It wasn't anything special and I don't think we hugged or even said I love you. I try hard not to let myself dwell too much on that day, my mistakes, or how much I miss him. There are some places I just don't let my mind go. But I do think about how I won't ever let another day pass without telling the most important people in my life how much I love them and making sure that I show them how much I love them.

"So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."

Thursday Thoughts

First off you should know that Tory Burch is having a sale right now!! I personally cannot afford to buy a thing, but someone should snag these deals while they last.  Here are a couple of things I would love to have:


Eddie Ballet Flat in Magenta - regularly $250, on sale for $175

Marianne Pumps - regularly $350, on sale for $245



First off, I am so thankful that everyone slept well last night.  Phillip slept through the night (as he should!) and Natalie woke twice.  After a night like Tuesday, I'll take that any day of the week. 

Second, I'm thrilled and thankful that my mother in law will be in town this weekend.  Phillip absolutely adores her!  She is also a huge help, so I know I'll get some time to finish up Christmas shopping and maybe even a date night.  I think it's so interesting how almost everyone I know (around our age) has a regularly scheduled "date night" with their spouse.  It sounds great, but Brian and I have just never done that.  After another kid, we may have to start! 

Finally, at the risk of sounding like a huge nerd, I am so thankful for how many AMAZING books I've read lately.  Reading is my relaxation and retreat each day if I can get both kids to nap at the same time.  It doesn't always happen so sometimes it takes me a bit to finish a book!



This book by Barbara Kingsolver, author of the Poison Wood Bible, was unbelievably good!  Great story, really interesting characters.



This book was so good I didn't want it to end.  I absolutely love everything she writes, but this book had me wondering how people think of these things.  Its a really unusual story and you will never guess how it ends.


Okay, that's all for today.  I'd love to hear any book recommendations you have... I'm coming to the bottom of my stash!




Thankful Thursdays

I've decided to link up today over at Loved and Lovely for Thankful Thursday, because I really do have a lot to be thankful for today.

I'm thankful... for my sweet, smart, beautiful son who says so many new things each day and is really becoming a little person before my eyes.

I'm thankful... that my little girl is feeling so much better and sharing her beautiful smiles with us more.

I'm thankful... for our Christmas tree and Christmas music.

I'm thankful... that I get to go out tonight for an hour of mommy alone time and catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a while.

And as always, I'm thankful for the weekend, and hopefully some on on one time with my wonderful husband.