Hard

I've been struggling with whether I should even write this post, but I've decided that I need to get it out. I'm also hoping that if there is anyone else out there going through this, maybe this can help to give them a measure of hope.

Having two kids has been HARD.  Much harder than I ever imagined it could be.  It's been a hard few months of crying alone in the bathroom and praying each and every night that tomorrow would be a new day and that I would have the strength to be a better mother.  I think in my heart I knew something was wrong, but I was afraid of complaining.  I was afraid of going to the doctor only to have her tell me "this is what it's like having two.  babies cry.  what, you can't handle it?"

And boy, oh boy, does this baby of mine cry. And scream. At first we thought it was colic.  She would begin crying steadily at around four in the afternoon.  At that point, you could usually hold her, rock her, etc and make it better.  But, by eight each evening I would be shushing and jiggling with everything I had and she would simply be screaming.  I think my husband arrived home to find me in tears more times than not. 

"What is wrong with you?" I thought.  "This is exactly what you've always wanted and you can't even make your children happy.  You can't even handle two, what on earth were you thinking hoping for four someday!"

Besides her evening cry session, Natalie fought me on almost every single feeding.  I found the most bizarre ways to feed her.  For several days, she would only eat if I walked around while she nursed.  "If I can't even comfort her with nursing, what kind of a mother am I??"

A friend asked me when she was about 3 months old if she was a happy baby, and I had to answer honestly, that no, she was not.  She mentioned reflux to me, but when I read about it later on the internet I thought, that couldn't be her because she rarely spits up.

As I'm sure you've already guessed if you have a lick of sense more than me, there was something wrong.  At Natalie's doctor appointment last week, I broke down in tears describing how she was and feeling crazy.  Her pediatrician heard what I said and instantly said "she has reflux."  As she examined her, she only became more certain because of the way she writhed and arched her back and she said that she saw Natalie regurgitate in the back of her throat when she laid her down.

From about the second day on the medication, she has improved and she is a NEW child.  She smiles and coos (!!!!) at us each day.  She will sit in her carseat without screaming!  She often makes it through the day now with almost NO CRYING.  I am thinking "I can handle this.  I LOVE this!"

I feel awful that she's been in so much pain, but I'm thrilled that we are doing something about it.  As our pediatrician said "I can tell this little girl wants to be happy." Typing those words now makes tears spring to my eyes imagining how awful she must have felt.

I hope that someone else can read this and it will help them.  Even if your baby isn't suffering with reflux, making the transition to two children is hard and stressful and its ok if you're struggling.  Find someone you can tell and vent.  They won't judge you.  I told my own mother how I was feeling and then immediately felt guilty for some of the things I'd said about my children.  She told me "You can always tell me what you're thinking.  I know you're a good mom."