Lately and Running Essentials

Howdy and happy fall y'all! See? I'm back and it didn't take months :)

I just wanted to share a little of what we've been up to lately.  I'm also working on some "Finally Fall Favorites" posts for both food and fashion so look out for those in the next week!

Things are really great.  Basically, I just really feel like I'm starting to hit my stride as a mommy of two.  Yeah.  It took me more than a year.  But hey I'm just being honest!  Phillip is a little spit fire these days.  He argues and bargains constantly, but he is also so much fun!  One of the things I looked forward to the most about being a mom was reading my kids the books that I loved as a child and I was so excited when Phillip and I headed to the library this week and picked up Charlotte's Web.  When I was a kid, my mom would read us books like that, maybe a chapter or two a day each afternoon and I loved it.  I was a little worried that it might be too soon but so far it's been great.  He actually has a great attention span for it and seems to be enjoying the story.

Little Natalie is as busy as ever and (I can't believe I'm actually typing this) STILL not sleeping through the night.  She was for a while when she was much younger but she hasn't been for about the last 5 months.  I think I am going to have to let her cry it out, which breaks my heart, but I really need to get some sleep!

Phillip is in school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings so the other days we usually try to head out of the house and do something fun.  The last couple of weeks we have gone to the Children's Museum.  They both LOVE it and are finally at ages where they can kind of do the same things.  Both of them are obsessed with all things ball related so we do a lot of that.  We usually pack a lunch and eat there so that when we get home right at nap time, everyone is fed and ready to rest!

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I have been running a lot lately and it feels so great!  I am by no means a serious runner but I do consider myself a runner since I get out there and move by butt at a quickish pace for at least three miles a few times a week.  Right now I'm training to do the Rock n' Roll half marathon in November just like I did last year.  I'm not too worried about finishing in a certain time, but I do think I will run it a bit faster this year since I'm not just a few months post partum. 

I thought I'd share a few of my favorite running accessories for any of you fellow runners or those hoping to start running!   P.S. I'm not making money off of any these, just sharing because I love them!

Here's a little awkward post-run selfie that, incidentally, shows you how messy my closet is!  It shows you some of these running faves though!  And check out that awesome shorts tan...

 

 

Moving Comfort Juno Running Bra

This puppy is amazing.  If you have C cup or larger breasts you MUST get it.  It is not cheap, but it will hold your breasts in place like nothing else.  It's even comfortable for me when I'm super big in the early days of nursing.  I love the adjustable straps and hook closure in the back.  It comes in cute colors I think, but I just have black and white. 

 

 

Nike LunarGlide Running Shoes in Grey/Pink (as with most running shoes, I size up .5)

I don't have really sensitive feet, but I like these and the cuteness doesn't hurt!

 

 

 

Lululemon Run: Speed Short (these run very small - I'm a 4)

I used to be a total Nike Tempo devotee, but I really like these better.  The Tempos tend to be a bit long on me and I feel like the shortness of these elongates my squaty short legs.  Bonus: the waist band is very soft and doesn't pinch your muffin top!

 

 

 

Garmin Forerunner 10 GPS Watch

Like I said above, I'm not a super serious runner, but this watch is great.  Hubs surprised me with it and I couldn't be more thrilled to have it. I've never wanted to invest in a GPS watch before, but this one is relatively inexpensive and is very light weight.  I love being able to just set out on a run now without worrying about making a route before I go.  Plus, looking at all my past runs is really motivating for me. 

 

 

 

BOB Revolution Duallie Stroller in Navy

I have a treadmill too, so that should probably be on this list as well.  If it wasn't for the treadmill and this stroller, I would never be able to workout.  But seriously y'all this stroller is so wonderful!  It is big and heavy, but surprisingly easy to maneuver and great to run with.  I can push it one handed most of the time.  The kids are very comfy in it and it has great oversized sunshades. 

 



Ok, that's all I have for today!  I'd love to hear any running essentials y'all have.  I'm always looking for new ideas :)

Motherhood Monday: Potty Training A Stubborn Kid

I want to start off this post with the big disclaimer that I am in no way saying this is THE way to potty train a kid or that I am any kind of an expert! That being said, Phillip and I had one previous potty training attempt that was a failure of epic proportions. It left me pretty terrified of the whole idea of potty training him. I followed a pretty popular method that seems to work for tons of people out there, but in hindsight, was just not right for my stubborn kid. That method basically involved a three day bottomless potty training boot camp. You were supposed to pump your kid full of snacks and drinks so they would have lots of opportunities for practice. Then, set a timer for every 15 minutes and put them on.

I do think we might have tried a bit too early for him (2 years and 2 months), but I also think that if I had used the same method that I used this time it probably would have worked and at least would have been less stressful for me. So by now you're wondering: well what did you do?? I will keep you in suspense no longer!

First step: I don't think this is absolutely essential, but I do think it helps. Well before starting potty training, buy some books about going to the potty (we liked "My Big Boy Potty" and "Once Upon a Potty"), maybe get the Elmo potty time DVD, and if you want get a little potty. Read about going potty, watch Elmo go potty, and let your kid see you and daddy go potty and just generally talk about it. If you get the little potty, they may want to try sitting on it clothed or put their toys on it. The goal of this step is just to make them familiar with the concept. You can start this whenever you want. I think we got our first potty related thing when Phillip was about 20 months.

Second Step: Buy copious amounts of big boy underpants (or big girl). Ours were Thomas and Mickey Mouse, but I honestly don't think that mattered all that much to him. Also, take a trip to your local dollar store or the dollar spot at Target and load up on fun little toys and prizes. You can also get some candy to mix in. I also purchased a couple of Thomas trains to be his first prizes so he would get really psyched but that could obviously get really expensive and he was honestly pretty psyched to get a dollar store toy boat too.

Third Step: Wake up and say today is potty day. You are a big kid now. No more diapers. Put on underpants and shorts. Tell your little darling, let me know if you want to go potty. And, lets keep our fancy new pants clean. That's it. You do not ask them if they need to go potty. Ever. See, this is where we ran into a problem the first time. Because unlike so many kids I read about, my little boy doesn't really delight in pleasing me and if I say left, he wants to go right. So every time, I would ask "do you need to go pee pee?" Or say "time to go sit on the potty!" His automatic response would be to fight me. So, I made it all about him and all up to him.

Of course, pretty shortly he peed in his pants and came and told me. I said "uh oh, next time you need to go pee pee in the potty. That was yucky. Lets change clothes." And if he got it in the floor I had him help me clean it. Not mad, not frustrated just, maybe next time you should pee in the potty. It was so hard for me not to prompt, but by the afternoon of the first day, he was already getting it. He would start to go and then stop and then say potty and we would run. On the first day, any success, however small was a HUGE deal. So much praise and then I introduced the prizes. One for each pee or poop that made it in.

By the second day, we had ONE accident. In the beginning, I took multiple changes of clothes with me if we went anywhere, but we tried to keep outings fairly short. Still, I didn't tie us to the house because that felt like too much pressure to me. I just accepted that there would be accidents and he would figure it out. And he did. With his personality, it had to be his idea.

I did still put diapers on him for naps and bedtime (and still do at night). I just explained he's still learning and might not be able to wake up. It did not set him back at all. I'd say 9/10 nights he stays dry, but we are going to stick with the diapers for a while longer.

By day four I started telling him that when the prizes were gone that would be all and then he was potty trained. I think we made it til day 5 when we ran out (I bought a lot of prizes plus candy really helped flesh it out). He asked a couple of times and I just said no more prizes you're potty trained now, but still made a really big deal of it. I honestly still try to praise him a lot.

Now once I felt that he really got it, I did begin making him go pee before we leave the house. Just because you never know when he'll say "pee pee coming!" (His phrase!) in the middle of a freeway. Again though, I do not ask, I take him to the bathroom, pull his pants down and put him on. Then I say, go pee. He usually does. If I feel like he's playing and doesn't want to stop and I see that potty dance going on, same thing.  Don't ask, he will say "no."  Just take him.  If he doesn't go, just say we'll try again later.

The first few days whenever we were out somewhere, I would say let's find the potty and then if you need to go, you can tell me and we will run fast and go. It worked great and he had no trouble going on the big potties, but of course I did have to help him stay stable and teach him to point his pee downwards, ha!

All in all, it was such a non-event and such a pleasant experience. Really, I think the lesson is to follow your instincts. There is no one right age or one right way to train. The main thing to take away from my method is that if you have a stubborn child, do not turn this into a battle! Your kid will not like going in their pants. Have some faith because they will be able to figure it out pretty darn quick if they're ready. And if they just aren't "getting it" they are probably not physically mature enough. Take a couple of months off like we did and start fresh. As my husband told me so many times, "no kid goes to high school in diapers. He'll be potty trained eventually."

Good luck and hope that helps someone out there with a hard-headed cutie like mine!

 

Motherhood Monday: Much Too Fast

My little peanut has been hitting some big milestones lately, y'all, and it's been a lot for this Mommy to handle.  He is potty trained (obviously this is a VERY big one!), he sleeps in a toddler bed, and today he left to go on a trip without me!  I've left him once before when he was 20 months old to go to London with my mom and one of my sisters.  That also happened to be when I weaned him just because the timing worked out so well.  You can imagine all of the emotions involved.  I nursed him to sleep for his nap one last time before I left.  I usually only nursed him at bedtime, but I just had to squeeze in one last time.  Talk about tear fest!   For the record, he didn't bat an eye and never asked to nurse again.

He loves to be my helper, especially with cleaning :)

Today, though, he left ME!

Brian took him with on a short overnight trip to visit his Grandmother (Phillip's great-grandmother).  I know he will do great and he adores his Daddy, but I started crying after they left this morning.

He REALLY loves to be Daddy's helper. Working here on his new room!

I've also just recently begun the search for a Mother's Day Out program for him to start this September.  I know I'm a bit behind the times as almost everyone seems to start preschool well before 3, but I just love having him home with me.  I feel like he has the rest of his life to be in school and go somewhere structured all day long, and I have such a relatively short period to be the number one influence in his life.  I visited a school today that I feel really good about though, and I think he will love it.  Fingers crossed he gets in!

Just hanging out with his best bud.

Of course he still has his fair share of foot-stomping two year old moments, but I'm in awe of what a sweet and smart boy he is becoming.  And he really is a boy now... not my baby anymore!  

Thursday Thoughts: Failing

I had a much more fun post planned for today, a review, but my heart just wasn't in it so it will have to wait until next week. I'm normally a pretty upbeat person, I think. Accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative, and all of that. But I just can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. 

It's just not okay.

I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm a failure at something where failure is simply not an option.

I feel like I'm failing my daughter.

I've written before about Natalie's struggle with reflux here and here.  It's the same old thing I guess, except this week we went to the doctor for her six month check up and she's LOST WEIGHT.

As it is, I literally can never leave her for more than two hours (she flatly refuses to drink from a bottle), but she's back to being extremely high maintenance about how she is fed.  She hates any kind of noise and she generally won't nurse away from home.  Phillip loves to spend time with me and loves for me to play with him. ALL. THE. TIME.

Don't get me wrong I love that he thinks I'm fun and I love that we have that kind of relationship.  But Natalie will not eat with him in the room, much less with him talking.  I have to shut two doors between us to feed her and I can still hear him calling my name :(

I don't know what else to do though.

I feel like I'm so busy meeting Natalie's overwhelming basic needs, I don't have time or energy left to be sweet and fun and loving with her.  I know she will live and I will too.  And I know that so many people have to deal with much worse, but I just can't help it.  I feel like I'm at my breaking point.

I don't want to spend the next six months or the next year waking up each day praying just to get through the day without crying or wanting to throw something.  It doesn't help that I haven't had a full night's sleep in 6 months.

It struck me today while I was holding Natalie and she was crying and I was crying, that this is how child abuse happens.  Of course I feel awful that she is sad and in pain, but after enough time and futile effort at helping her, I just want to MAKE. THE. CRYING. STOP. NOW.

That's awful that I just said that, but I can see how a parent just a little more exhausted and with less help and support than I have could do something just to make it stop.

That's it.  That's all. I just needed to get it off my chest.  The littles are napping and while they sleep I'm going to pull myself together and get through the day.  They need me to be stronger than this.  I just can't fail at something this important.

 

Motherhood Mondays: Sorry for my absence!!

I'm so sorry for not posting on Thursday and Friday y'all, but last week was TOUGH. Natalie was very sick with an ear infection and to make matters worse, she also had a major relapse on her reflux issues.  Luckily we now have her on a new medication that seems, at least for the moment, to be helping things.

Friday I really thought I was going to lose it.  Natalie went 12 hours DURING THE DAY without eating. My breasts were engorged of course and I was just really worried.  I was at the point where I just wanted to quit (as if that was even an option). Thank God, her pediatrician was able to fit us in and things have been better this weekend. 

Friday night, while researching her new medication, I came across a bunch of forums about infant reflux.  I could have written some of the posts.  Others were titled things like "Losing My Will to Live" and "I don't know where to go from here..."  This is seriously some rough stuff.  So sad, but at the same time it made me feel a bit better that I'm not the only mother out there who feels like this is just too much to handle sometimes.  There is just something so awful about not being able to feed your child.

Along with her new medication, the pediatrician gave us the go ahead to start some solids because she is almost six months and apparently it can occasionally help things.  We started rice cereal on Saturday and she actually loved it!  I was so shocked.  We never even did infant cereal or baby food with Phillip, but I'm just too exhausted to be uptight about what I think is the "right" way to do things.  If there's a chance in heck this will help our girl, I'm all for it.

We also started full throttle with potty training Phillip and it's going great!  I tried once before to potty train him when I was eight months pregnant... let's just say it did not go well.  He was clearly not really ready and I was unbelievably hormonal.  I am doing a very hands-off approach that puts the decision in his hands this time (he can be quite stubborn if something is not his idea).  I'll share more once I feel that it has been completely successful, but so far today we've had ZERO pee accidents and even successfully peed in a public bathroom.

Oh, and someone may or may not be on the move now!!!

I'll be back to regular posting tomorrow and again I apologize for my absence.  Thanks if you're still reading!


 

Motherhood Mondays: Kids in the Kitchen

I've been thinking a lot lately about pinterest, crafts, cooking, decorating, and all of the distractions I have pulling me away from my children.  Pinterest is an amazing resource but it is also such a time suck for me.  Rather than looking for crazy creative ways to fulfill myself and my children, I've been trying to get back to basics lately.

It's so hard I think, as a mother, to remember that my children are not keeping me from what I need to be doing. Of course, part of my job as a mother is to feed my children and little hands can seem like quite a nuisance when you are trying to fix a meal, but my greater job is to teach my children to feed themselves. 

When I first started letting Phillip help me in the kitchen, I planned a meal in advance, maybe once or twice a week, that we would cook together. I would think about what tasks I could give him. Now it's quite natural and he joins me in the kitchen almost every day. I try to take care of dangerous things, like chopping, while he is napping, but if that's not possible I just push his stool a couple of feet away and engage him in something else.

Naturally, I cringe when Phillip dumps an entire container of garlic salt on a single potato or stirs flour out of the bowl and all over the floor. But I always want my children to feel that they are welcome in the kitchen with me, especially as they grow older and they may be less eager to help.

I feel like there is so much pressure these days to be constantly providing children with stimulating and interesting projects and engaging them in certain kinds of play, but I'm pretty sure time spent cooking with me or helping me with laundry is just as educational and probably more useful.  The takeaway here though, should not be that if you are a mom and you aren't cooking with you're kids, you're screwing up!  It should be that you should take the pressure off of yourself to constantly entertain your kids.  Incorporate them into the things that you love to do.  For me, one of those things is cooking and baking.  I'm very at home in the kitchen and sharing that with Phillip has been wonderful.  While we do occasionally do craft projects, for us, this is just much more natural and as a result, a lot more fun.

Thursday Thoughts: Home Projects and Deliberate Motherhood

The birthday is over and it was a wonderful day. It was pretty much your average day, with the exception of dinner out, but I have a pretty great life so no complaints! Funny enough though, Natalie seemed to sense when my birthday was over. No more special treatment Mommy! At exactly one in the morning she woke up ready to play and wouldn't go back to sleep for an hour and a half. Needless to say, we are both a little sleepy and cranky today.

I have some really high hopes for house projects this year. Brian has some ambitious home improvement in the works and I would like to do some things as well. Inspired by one of mu favorite blogs, Designer Bags and Dirty Diapers, I'm going to try to keep it reasonable and doable and pick one project a month to complete. I've only planned through June, but the current plan is as follows:

January: clean out and organize all bedroom closets- I'm already started on mine!
February: complete the kiddo room switch
March: fix up the yard, plant new flowers in beds
April: clean out and reorganize kitchen and dining room hutch
May: frame and hang new family pictures
June: deep clean house


I still haven't finished the amazing book I was telling y'all about, but I can already say it is a must read if you're a mom. It's incredibly inspirational and full of practical advice for pushing yourself to become a better mother and finding more peace as a mother.

I WILL finish reading it this weekend and share more thoughts. For now, I must get to bed because I am exhausted. Can't wait to share my latest fashion finds tomorrow though! I leave you all with two cute/hilarious pictures of our day:

Thursday Thoughts: To Do Lists

Whew ok, so I have five minutes to sit and breathe finally. I apologize in advance for the randomness of this post, but I have a lot on my mind today.

I just spent 15 minutes rocking this little guy to sleep. I'm thankful he still likes me to do that every once in a while.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions right now and my mental to do list is a mile long. At the end of the day though, I'm trying to remember that my real to do list consists of three things: feed, love, and teach my little ones. Everything and anything else is gravy.

I thought I'd share a poem that I absolutely love and totally sums up the season of life I'm in right now.

Song for a Fifth Child
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton


Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.


I really want to slow down and treasure these times with my babies because they're everything to me. Life is too short to spend working or cleaning or doing anything that takes time away from those you love.

One year ago today was the last time I saw my brother alive. I'm still filled with so much regret when I think of wasted time and self-absorption that kept me from getting to spend more time with him. I still catch myself forgetting sometimes that he's not here. It's only a moment where I think "I wonder what Tom will be bringing to the party?" Or "Tom would think this is hilarious! I have to tell him about this!" It only lasts for a second and then I'm filled with such sadness it takes my breath away.

The last time I saw him didn't feel like the last time. It wasn't anything special and I don't think we hugged or even said I love you. I try hard not to let myself dwell too much on that day, my mistakes, or how much I miss him. There are some places I just don't let my mind go. But I do think about how I won't ever let another day pass without telling the most important people in my life how much I love them and making sure that I show them how much I love them.

"So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."

Motherhood Mondays: Late Nights

I think I've mentioned a few times that we've had some crazy nights and not a lot of great sleep around here lately. One of my greatest sources of anxiety, while pregnant with Phillip, was how I would deal with the lack of sleep inherent in new parenthood. I was a pretty big baby about my nine hours a night, and how, I wondered would I deal with never being able to sleep in again?!

The funny thing is you just DO manage. Somehow you live on far less sleep than you ever thought possible. And it's just not that bad. My fears have been realized though. I don't remember the last time I got to sleep in. Now occasionally Brian will take the kids downstairs on a Saturday morning to let me try to sleep a little more, which is wonderful, but it rarely amounts to much more sleep.

So, I do miss sleeping in and more than that, I miss long, uninterrupted stretches of sleep, but mostly I'm happy to leave that part of myself behind. The part that "just HAD to sleep nine hours a night." I feel that with the birth of each child and each passing day spent with them, my selfishness is being slowly chipped away.

And, as long as its not literally every hour, I really don't mind getting up at night with my babies. How lucky am I to hold those precious angels in my arms and nurse them back to sleep? How lucky am I to rock them, sing to them, and kiss their downy little heads? I am so SO lucky.

I know someday I will sleep through the night again, but I want to remember what it felt like when this fleeting time is gone. I want to remember how simple it was to solve their problems and make them feel safe and happy and how wonderful it was for them to need me and for me to be everything to them.

Christmas Traditions

For as long as I can remember, its been a dream of mine to have my own family. I can just picture us gathered around a big kitchen table, eating wonderful food, talking, and sharing memories and traditions. I was talking with a good friend of mine recently about this deep drive I have for family traditions and wondering why that was and where it came from.

This good friend, we will just call her Bestie T, is so wise.  At least when it comes to me and getting into my head.  She said that she felt a similar urge and that she thought it had something to do with her childhood being a bit rocky.  She lost someone very close to her at a young age causing quite an upheaval in her life and things were never quite the same.  They weren't stable.  She wondered if I could feel the same urge that she did to make the most stable and close knit, indestructable family possible.

Let's just say I think she is on to something.  My parents divorced when I was very young, and while I feel certain they wouldn't want me sharing the details of that divorce with the world, I will try to share a little of my perspective.  Divorce is incredibly hard on kids, everyone knows that.  People tell parents to act unselfishly and think of their kids.  And yet, our parents are just people... normal, flawed, and in this case, heart broken people.  I see that now as an adult and a parent myself.  Most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, but guided by love (and survival instinct I guess!) I make it up as a I go along and pray that what I'm doing is right.  So, I'm sure that my parents love me and felt that what they were doing was right.  But hearing one parent speak ill of the other hurts.  Always being shuttled back and forth and missing your mother hurts.  Feeling torn because any comment you make might come across as seeming to loyal to the other parent and therefore disparaging to the one you're with tears a child up inside. 

I think having family traditions is so important to me because I always want my children to feel safe and secure.  I want them to know what's coming and to look forward to holidays, not dread them.  I want my children to have a place in a family and a home that they will hopefully be strong enough to leave someday, but know will always be there if they should need to come back to it. 

I've come to realize through some self-reflection after the conversation with Bestie T, that traditions won't make or break a holiday or my goals for my family.  They are nice, but you shouldn't push them.  I'm pretty sure that traditions that are worth having will happen to us organically over time. 

With that being said, I've done a couple of things this year that I hope will become traditions in our family.  The first is something that's just fun.  Amanda over at Dixie Delights had the most wonderful idea of making a hot cocoa station and I just couldn't resist creating one in our home.  So far it has been a huge hit!  Peanut asks for his hot cocoa every night with three marshmallows (that's as high as he can count or I'm sure he would ask for more!).  The other tradition is one my mother did with me and my brother and sisters.  Each year we would get an advent calendar with the little books that tell the Christmas story.  You read one little book each night starting December 1st.  I took the tradition just a bit further and bought a little Christmas tree for Phillip's room.  He picked out the star topper and LOVES it.  He's telling people all the time how there is a star on top of HIS tree, ha!  Each little book in our advent calendar is actually an ornament so I plan to let him read a story each night at bedtime and then hang it on his tree.

So, I'm dying to know what Christmas traditions any of y'all have and hope to start with your families?

Update and a Recipe

Well, there's nothing like parenthood to humble you just a bit.  I read a pretty hilarious quote the other day, and it really resonated with me: "My child is standing in the way of me being the parent I always dreamed I would be."

I love my son to death, but he challenges me in ways I never knew I could or would be challenged.  Let's be honest, I was probably a bit naive, but I just assumed that if I did all the "right" things, then he would basically turn out a certain way.  I'm certainly not downplaying my importance, or the important role of parents in general, but I think maybe parents (read ME) would be a lot less stressed if they accepted that there are so many things you can't control.

For example, I was always told that if I ate a varied diet while pregnant and breasted that my son would have a natural taste for lots of varied foods, including vegetables, which I love!  Sounds great right?  I was also led to believe that if I made my son healthy baby food, held back grains, did baby led weaning, etc. that he would naturally learn to explore and love a variety of foods.  But, Phillip had his own special plan. 

Needless to say, my tough love two days just did not work.  He basically didn't eat at all.  And it made us both incredibly stressed.  One thing I have learned about parenting (at least when it comes to me as that parent!), is that if something doesn't feel natural to me, it can be the best idea in the world, but it just won't work.

So, at least for now, until he's capable of a bit more reasoning, I'm going back to my old methods of feeding him.  I homemake 90% of what he eats and try to make the healthiest options I can out of what he will eat, throwing in some rejected and new foods a few times a week.

And, we're back to baking together :)  This is a recipe from the kid's cooking site "Weelicious."  I have her cookbook and have had success with many of her recipes.  This is just one example of the types of recipes that I convert to gluten free and make for Phillip for breakfast.

  Oatmeal On the Go Bars
From Weelicious with a few changes!

Ingredients

• 2 cups old fashioned oats (Bob's Redmill Gluten Free Oats)
• 1 cup gluten free flour (I use Better Batter, which is a rice, potato, tapioca blend with the xantham gum mixed in - highly recommend!)
• 1 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• pinch of salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 1/2 cup milk (any kind of milk — rice, almond, soy, cow’s — will work)
• 3 tablespoons agave
• 1/2 cup applesauce
• 1 large egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 3/4 cup dried fruit (cranberries, raisins, blueberries, and/or cherries)
• 1/2 cup nuts (walnuts, sunflower seeds, and/or pepitas)
• 1/4 cup white chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Place the first 5 dry ingredients in a bowl and stir to combine.
3. Mix the milk, applesauce, egg, agave, and vanilla in a separate bowl.
4. Pour the dry ingredients into the wet mixture, stir to combine and then stir in the dried fruits, nuts, and chocolate chips.
5. Pour the oatmeal mixture into a buttered or greased 7 x 11 inch baking dish.
6. Bake for 30 minutes or until thickened and golden.
7. Cool, cut into squares and serve.

*Allow to cool, cut into squares and place in a ziploc bag to freeze up to 4 months. When ready, allow to defrost in fridge for 24-48 hours.

*Refrigerating the bars will make them last up to 5 days.

Hard

I've been struggling with whether I should even write this post, but I've decided that I need to get it out. I'm also hoping that if there is anyone else out there going through this, maybe this can help to give them a measure of hope.

Having two kids has been HARD.  Much harder than I ever imagined it could be.  It's been a hard few months of crying alone in the bathroom and praying each and every night that tomorrow would be a new day and that I would have the strength to be a better mother.  I think in my heart I knew something was wrong, but I was afraid of complaining.  I was afraid of going to the doctor only to have her tell me "this is what it's like having two.  babies cry.  what, you can't handle it?"

And boy, oh boy, does this baby of mine cry. And scream. At first we thought it was colic.  She would begin crying steadily at around four in the afternoon.  At that point, you could usually hold her, rock her, etc and make it better.  But, by eight each evening I would be shushing and jiggling with everything I had and she would simply be screaming.  I think my husband arrived home to find me in tears more times than not. 

"What is wrong with you?" I thought.  "This is exactly what you've always wanted and you can't even make your children happy.  You can't even handle two, what on earth were you thinking hoping for four someday!"

Besides her evening cry session, Natalie fought me on almost every single feeding.  I found the most bizarre ways to feed her.  For several days, she would only eat if I walked around while she nursed.  "If I can't even comfort her with nursing, what kind of a mother am I??"

A friend asked me when she was about 3 months old if she was a happy baby, and I had to answer honestly, that no, she was not.  She mentioned reflux to me, but when I read about it later on the internet I thought, that couldn't be her because she rarely spits up.

As I'm sure you've already guessed if you have a lick of sense more than me, there was something wrong.  At Natalie's doctor appointment last week, I broke down in tears describing how she was and feeling crazy.  Her pediatrician heard what I said and instantly said "she has reflux."  As she examined her, she only became more certain because of the way she writhed and arched her back and she said that she saw Natalie regurgitate in the back of her throat when she laid her down.

From about the second day on the medication, she has improved and she is a NEW child.  She smiles and coos (!!!!) at us each day.  She will sit in her carseat without screaming!  She often makes it through the day now with almost NO CRYING.  I am thinking "I can handle this.  I LOVE this!"

I feel awful that she's been in so much pain, but I'm thrilled that we are doing something about it.  As our pediatrician said "I can tell this little girl wants to be happy." Typing those words now makes tears spring to my eyes imagining how awful she must have felt.

I hope that someone else can read this and it will help them.  Even if your baby isn't suffering with reflux, making the transition to two children is hard and stressful and its ok if you're struggling.  Find someone you can tell and vent.  They won't judge you.  I told my own mother how I was feeling and then immediately felt guilty for some of the things I'd said about my children.  She told me "You can always tell me what you're thinking.  I know you're a good mom."