Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thursday Thoughts: Failing

I had a much more fun post planned for today, a review, but my heart just wasn't in it so it will have to wait until next week. I'm normally a pretty upbeat person, I think. Accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative, and all of that. But I just can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. 

It's just not okay.

I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm a failure at something where failure is simply not an option.

I feel like I'm failing my daughter.

I've written before about Natalie's struggle with reflux here and here.  It's the same old thing I guess, except this week we went to the doctor for her six month check up and she's LOST WEIGHT.

As it is, I literally can never leave her for more than two hours (she flatly refuses to drink from a bottle), but she's back to being extremely high maintenance about how she is fed.  She hates any kind of noise and she generally won't nurse away from home.  Phillip loves to spend time with me and loves for me to play with him. ALL. THE. TIME.

Don't get me wrong I love that he thinks I'm fun and I love that we have that kind of relationship.  But Natalie will not eat with him in the room, much less with him talking.  I have to shut two doors between us to feed her and I can still hear him calling my name :(

I don't know what else to do though.

I feel like I'm so busy meeting Natalie's overwhelming basic needs, I don't have time or energy left to be sweet and fun and loving with her.  I know she will live and I will too.  And I know that so many people have to deal with much worse, but I just can't help it.  I feel like I'm at my breaking point.

I don't want to spend the next six months or the next year waking up each day praying just to get through the day without crying or wanting to throw something.  It doesn't help that I haven't had a full night's sleep in 6 months.

It struck me today while I was holding Natalie and she was crying and I was crying, that this is how child abuse happens.  Of course I feel awful that she is sad and in pain, but after enough time and futile effort at helping her, I just want to MAKE. THE. CRYING. STOP. NOW.

That's awful that I just said that, but I can see how a parent just a little more exhausted and with less help and support than I have could do something just to make it stop.

That's it.  That's all. I just needed to get it off my chest.  The littles are napping and while they sleep I'm going to pull myself together and get through the day.  They need me to be stronger than this.  I just can't fail at something this important.



  1. Ohhhhh Laura!!!! I have been there my friend many, Many a day!!!!! I know exactly what your talking about the child abuse thing! Before you have children, you think how could anyone, ever? And then you have one or two or three and relics just how blurry that line becomes!
    My first born had colic and never slept and never took a bottle and had horrible time latching ad blah, blah. You name it! He had it! I can remember my husband would creep I to the bedroom at 4am to shower and I would have slept 20 min. That whole night and I
    Can literally remember jay sobbing because of the lack of sleep and telling him I though I might actually loose my mind! Of course I didn't and now my son is 3 and happy and well fed and a normal kid but when you are a mother an the weight of another human beings life is on your shoulders, boy, it can be too much to bare some
    Just know yor not alone!!! Honestly, I cry pretty much everyday and fall apart at the drop of a hat. Beig a mom is hard!!!! It's so hard!!!
    I will pray for you today! And I am grateful to have read this today! You remind me once again, it's not all about me. Thank you:) xoxoxo peaceful evening!

    1. Thank you for this and for your perfectly timed post! Someone else's hardship always helps you keep it in perspective. I know in my heart that in a couple of years she will be like your son- happy and healthy and this will all be a distant memory. Who knows? I may even be signing on to do this again, ha!

  2. As only a mommy-to-be, I understand that my opinion doesn't really count yet. But I just have to say... you are NOT failing! You are loving those babies with all your might and sacrificing much to make sure they're happy and healthy. That you care so much is, in itself, evidence that you're doing it right! :) But you definitely have the right to vent and be frustrated and cry and scream - whatever it takes to get through the day! Just know that there are people (i.e. ME) who look at what you're dealing with and how you're dealing with it and hope that they have half as much grace as you do when they hit the hard mommy times. :) Praying for you, girl!

    1. Your opinion counts and you are so sweet! It maybe means even more that you dont have kids yet and you still dont think I'm a crazy, terrible person! I can't promise it will be easy (okay, I can pretty much guarantee it won't be easy, hehe) but I know that you are going to be such a great mom.

  3. First and foremost. You need a big hug for having the "guts" to type this post! Second, I promise you, you will survive and look back one day and realize you worried too much. As a mom, we cannot do it all. As a mom we put ourselves last in from of our children. Sometimes we (you) need to have a small break. Sounds like you are sleep deprived which is making you feel overwhelmed. I have been there so many times. We get to a point where we want to break. You can do this!! Your children love you and appreciate you. I wish I lived near you! I would bring you wine and a hug! Being overwhelmed is NOT fun! Hang in there! You CAN do this! It will pass! Talk to your closest friends. Have them help you. Take some of your "normal" responsibilities away. Have people bring u meals, help u with laundry. Take away some everyday "mommy duties" and it will lighten your load. Nothing wrong with help. You need to cry when you feel it. Get it out! You will feel better. ((((Hugs)))

  4. Oh Laura! I am so sorry to feel that you are "failing" but I promise you that
    you are NOT!!! Going from one to two children is very trying to begin with then add relux and nursing issues means that you have more than a full plate. I could write a book about colic, GRED, FTT, nursing/pumping and food allergies. At times I think that I did loss my mind a little bit but it got better. Things will get better I promise!

    And Melissa is right, reach out for help when and where ever you can! And the wash and dishes can wait. You are not failing! You are being a great mom during stressful times. Hang in there!!!

  5. Oh, sweetie, you are NOT failing. This is motherhood. Choices. Tough ones.

    Thank you for being so honest and candid. This coming from a mom who spent a forty minute trip both ways to a doctors appointment with a crying child. Non stop.

    Just. Make. It. Stop!

    I could have murdered the slow drivers in front of me.

    My son has special needs so I understand what it can feel like when you don't feel like you are ever doing enough. Sometimes I just choose not to do anything.

    It will get better. Swear. And if it doesn't, it's never too late to take up day time drinking. Maybe it will help with the reflux via breastmilk? Kidding. (Kind of.)


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